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It's a natural instinct to want to help your child. After all, that's what parents do: We protect and support our children until they are ready to go out on their own. But these days some parents are defining "protect" and "support" a little differently than usual. (The definition of when kids are ready to be on their own has gotten fuzzy, too.) What Is "Helicopter Parenting?" Teachers, coaches, school administrators and others who work with children are seeing more and more parents who are very involved – often overly involved — in their children's lives. I think we have all seen or heard about parents who:
Sometimes our kids really do need us to advocate for them. And some children, because of emotional or physical problems, need more support than others. But really, these are the exceptions. Over involvement by parents is called "helicopter parenting." The name refers to parenting from directly overhead. The reasons for this trend are not entirely clear. In our post-9/11 world, it's possible that parents are more fearful for their children's well-being. Being overly involved is a way of knowing at every moment what's going on with your child. And all the new technology makes that constant contact so possible. Our achievement culture also contributes to the problem. For all sorts of reasons, acceptance to top colleges has become very competitive. In some families, resume-building starts as early as preschool. Anything less than an "A" can feel like getting in to Harvard is next to impossible. Helicopter parenting can be bad for kids. Here's why:
The next time your child leaves his homework at home or gets a lower grade than you'd like, take a deep breath. Fight the urge to jump in and fix things. It's fine to offer help and suggestions — that's part of your job as a parent. But don't take over. Your child may mess up. Something bad might even happen. But if you've taught your child the right lessons, he'll recover quickly. It's also true that no matter how hard you try, you can't prevent every bad thing from happening to your child. We don't have that much control over life. Celebrate your children for who they are. Maybe they're going to Harvard, maybe not. You want them to work hard. But you also want them to know that there are so many more important things in life than where you go to college. Now there's a really great lesson you can teach your children: Appreciate life's gifts and find happiness wherever you can. Claire McCarthy, M.D., a senior medical editor for Harvard Health Publications, is an assistant professor in pediatrics at Harvard Medical School. She is an attending physician and Medical Communications Editor at Children's Hospital Boston.
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